fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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