i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
