I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
