I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
