my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
