you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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