I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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