until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
