I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
