I've blown a few things in my day
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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