Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
