WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my phone needs a breathalizer
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
