I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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