what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
