i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
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I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
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You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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