Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
