I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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