she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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