During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
where are my eyebrows?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
