dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
