Jerry, you need to find god
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
