Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
