Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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