I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
