My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I wear drunk well.
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