Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
