The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
