Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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