i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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