okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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