You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
