Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
