I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need a beard to bite.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
