I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
