The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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