SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
