Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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