he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
