I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
