I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
