Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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