I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
