We won't sleep together?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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