i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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