don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
