apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
