why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
