well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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