People in love make me want to vomit
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
