I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
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being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
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I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...