i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sorry about my life...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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