god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
