is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
