I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
