peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
