Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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