I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
