8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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